Regular readers of this blog will know that the abnormally large portion of any discussion that we in this country attribute to the weather usually gets right on my tits, but this weeks wintry dump is the exception really. It was, in a word, sensational.
It started out in the media as a ‘one in every ten years’ occurrence and then someone must’ve thought back that far and realised, no hang on, I’ve been here ten years and never seen it this bad so it’s a ‘one in fifty years’ experience. That worked right up until some geezer older than fifty chipped in and now it’s a ‘once in a lifetime’ thing.
All of which is right up there with the school of thought that 73% of quoted percentages are made up, including that last one.
My first encounter with the white stuff was on Sunday night when I was forced to abandon the car halfway up our hill in J Town because it was impossible to go on. Progress up till that point had been only ever in two gears and a real series of short trips what with all the stopping, realigning of the passion wagon and red lining it in an attempt to get some grip.
Thus my three football girls and I had to leg it the rest of the way and despite being soaked through from the pre-blizzard downpour at practice, they still wanted to stop, make snow angels and throw the stuff at each other. That’s my girls.
It didn’t take long for all the kids in the neighborhood to get amongst it either and good on them. My son’s Massive promptly set about making the obligatory snow man and it, like so many others I’ve seen since, turned out to be more brown than white; an ethnic snowie, a half cast. Not at all like they look on movies and shit.
Junior stayed out so long one night we thought he had frostbite in his feet. I suggested that Bear Grylls would pee on his to keep them warm were he in the same situation. Not surprisingly it was not a helpful suggestion to make at that point in time.
Rather disappointingly the snow melted at our place the night before the day I decided I would mould something inappropriate on a neighbours lawn. Hopefully it starts to fall again because I’ve drawn scale plans and everything. It would be rude not to erect a four foot phallus really.
I’ll take a pic when I’m done and put it on Facebook, like every other bugger has. I love scrolling through all your photos of snow on trees and fences and the roof and the road and the car and the hills and fuck me I’m bored where are those ones of your wife in her bikini whilst you were holidaying in Fiji again?
I’m just kidding. Besides I copied those particular pics into a word document for easy access in the future. Admittedly I did post the one snow picture myself but only because it’s awesome as you will soon see.
The downside of this winter wonderland is that it has sadly, revealed us to be the country of soft cocks that we are. A bit of cold and snow and major metropolitan areas simply came to a stand still leaving the residents waiting around like the sheep that the farmers in the wops have to try so hard to save when it’s like this. Farmers on the other hand, are like slavery; they just get shit done.
There are places in the world where the residents live with this for most of the year. No, seriously.
I bet those dicks at adidas will have their trousers filled with white stuff too and I’m not talking about snow. The sudden change of the weather has suddenly meant we’re all whacking off about being cold and nobody is going on about over priced All Black jerseys anymore. Expect them back on the racks at full price any day now.
So enjoy the snow peeps, it’s a once in a lifetime experience. Until next year, that is.
What the frost?!
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