Reading Is Sexy

I love books me, always have. I don’t read nearly enough these days on account of the small fact that I know everything anyway so why bother aye?

But you always read on holiday don’t you? Several books usually and in such quick fashion that you’ll soon forget what it was that you read. It is thus, essentially, a time wasting exercise but very much a time honoured one so we all do it.

What people have in their bookcase of their bach or holiday home that you’ve rented is always an eye opener I find. Usually it’s the age old stock standards; Readers Digest, a few classics, a bit of romantic fare and if you’re really lucky, some Commando comics, which are the shit and it’s a shame that no one stocks the case with them anymore. Mind you, some bugger like me would pinch the lot so it’s probably a good thing they don’t.

Our latest gaff had a mixture of pretty much three genres; surfing material, guides to countries they’d visited and NZ House & Garden magazine. Clearly we were guests in the home of people who have surfed the world looking for the perfect duvet and drape combo.

Their DVD collection was equally as condense; almost every Tarantino movie and Season One to whatever of Outrageous Fortune. They also had a bit of a hard on (inter racial) for Richard Pryor and Chris Rock so needless to say with three kids in the house we signed up at the local Video Sleazy and rented some family fare, like Summer Heights High.

I read three books whilst away and enjoyed them all but I’m pretty sure at some point I just got in the zone and won’t recall big chunks of them. Which is how bullshit starts really doesn’t it? Someone reads a book, forgets most of it but drops some gem of wisdom in a social setting that is pretty much made up with the caveat at the end “I read it in his book”.

Then you have to check Wankipedia to corroborate whatever it was that Tim Tim Nice But Dim waxed on about that one time, which of course is contributed to by people, who read, wait for it, books. Sure, they list them as reference points but are their recollections any better than my speed reading three in a 10 day period?

And let us not forget that it was Smarty who gave a party and no one came.

I only read nonfiction which makes me sound like a complete wanker but seriously I do. Harry Potter books aside (and they made movies of them so they must be true) I haven’t read any fiction since about the age of 16 and I can’t really recall why I stopped with the made up stuff. Probably because of some grossly inadequate sexual experience I had with one actually. Nonfiction story of my life.

If it hasn’t actually happened then I just can’t contemplate wasting several hours on it. You might as well tell me the contents of that dream you had last night for all the factual content I will get out of a story, so I just don’t bother.

Not everything nonfiction though. Our holiday home did have Lance Armstrong’s book on the shelf and once I had finished my pile considered, albeit for a moment, reading it. But then the Tour de Pharmacy is such a sham of an event I reckoned it’s actually a work of fiction that he won it so many times so I left it where it was.

I must have got desperate though because I did read – and I use the term generously – the wife’s Woman’s Day. Honestly there is more factual content in junk mail than that shit.

That’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

My holiday reading...

Top 5 - Comic Book Movies

I saw the promo for the new Green Lantern movie yesterday. Now I like Ryan Reynolds because he reminds me of me and is on my ‘Top Five I’d Go Gay For’ list but the movie looks very gay and not in a good way. Which is a shame because comics are awesome and thus by proxy, so should movies about comics, right?

Sadly, no. There’s been a real big push on comics being made into movies – there’s about a dozen out on release now - because as far as the companies that make movies are concerned most of the job is done; the characters, their background, the script and the fan base is already there. So it’s a license for them to print money really.

Until they get it wrong and then they piss off fan boys like me, especially when they take artistic license with the stories and just fuck it up for everybody. You wonder how they get it so spectacularly wrong sometimes but more often than not, they do.

Stan Lee is the man behind most of Marvels characters and if I was him I’d be telling these guys to sort it out. “It’s my arse” I’d say to them, “So pull your finger out!”

Still, this is worthy of a Top 5 so break out the moisturiser and tissues lads because here we go. In no particular order other than the first being top...

1. Batman Begins / Dark Knight

I’m cheating by putting these two together but they are equally as good (although the DK is probably my fave of the two). Tim Burton started the Batman franchise and he along with Michael Keaton made a pretty good fist of it until they gave up and other directors just fisted the franchise. Thankfully Chris Nolan and Christian Bale hadn’t given up on him and made these two flicks which reminded us all that Batman is a dark character with equally dark motives and in doing so made an adult movie for adults, the way it should be.

2. Iron Man

I was never an Iron Man fan but Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jnr captured the essence of a good comic book movie in the first installment. It had the back story, the drama and the humour and of course, Gwyneth Paltrow. As good as it was though - and I really did enjoy it - I haven’t seen the second one yet because I really don’t want to find its complete cake after this fantastic effort.

3. Blade Trilogy

Again, bit of a cheek me putting all three together but tough titties, it’s my Top 5. Before the kids these days were getting their hormones all in a tangle over the likes of Robert Pattison, there was the original black bad ass mofo, Wesley Snipes, playing the day walker Blade. And who just gets on with it basically; slicing and dicing his way through vamps without a pout, a tear, or love triangle in sight. Amen to that. Oh and Ryan Reynolds? He was in this too.

4. X-Men: Wolverine

I like the X-Men movies but again, liberties with the story telling get on my tits and these guys have taken some despite there being over 50 years of solid material to work with, the fuckers. So I’m going to go with the Wolverine one because it has Gambit in it and he’s my favorite mutant. It also has Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and that’s another reason I won’t be watching Green Lantern because there should be some rule about playing two super heroes i.e. you can’t, bitch.

Note: The guy who plays Cyclops in X-Men turned up as Lois Lanes boyfriend in the last Superman movie. Not cool.

5. Kick-Ass.

A film that captures the dream all us fan boys harbored, to be a real life super hero. If you haven’t seen this then you must, if only to meet the memorable Hit Girl, the eleven year old vigilante daughter of Big Daddy who delivers such classic lines as "Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now". Hey it’s okay to be turned on by someone that age if she’s a killer with a potty mouth right?

Honorable mentions:

• V for Vendetta (Natalie Portman. Say no more)


• Sin City (deadly little Miho)


• Watchmen (which was cool right up to the big blue schlong bit)


• Spiderman (can’t remember which though but probably the one where Kirsten Dunst has a wet top)


• The Punisher (the Tom Jane version, all the others blow).