Top Five - Things I’m Over Right Now.

So much so I can't even bring myself to find pictures of them...

1. Bruno Mars. We’ve had quite enough of the same song six different ways, fuck you very much.

2. Likewise anything referring to or featuring Mick Jagger. How ironic is it that the guy from Maroon 5 with the ridiculously high voice sports so many tattoos he gives the impression he might in all actuality, be ridiculously hard. He’s not but he looks like he should be. And have you seen the abomination of a song that Mick has lent himself to?! Don't.

3. Flags on cars, even the half bra things that some have wrapped around their side mirrors. Still, it makes for accurate racial abuse when kicking off at someone for cutting you off because they were unsighted by said flag draped across the back window. Maybe we should make them mandatory in that sense?

4. Zara Phillips, her broken nosed, cauliflower eared husband and that woman in that bar. The bouncer mind you is a totally fascinating cat and him I’d like to see more of because we all know we should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. Go Tindall!

5. Facebook. Even before the changes, it's just shit. It might be better if it let me decide what features I want but you know what? I doubt it.

Guest Post - Top 5 Comic Book Movies

Fellow fan boy and one time lady boy Lancey 'Lillian' Craig wasn't happy with my Top 5 last week and instead contributed his own. In the best interests of fairness - and not because he's threatened to publish the photos I gave him that he promised he'd never show anyone - I've allowed him the first ever guest post here on ClubDes:

1. Conan.

Wicked comics back in the day and Arnold played a mean Conan. Although seeing Grace Jones as a warrior colleague for him was a real disappointment; yes, it did turn me on a little but not in a pleasant way. I loved it though when he banged the witch then threw her in the fire! It also blew me away how he started as an enslaved scrawny kid turning some wheel, then 20 years later he's still turning that same damn wheel but somehow consumed a helluva lot of protein at the same time! Krom!!!

2. Batman

Of course seeing the originals in the younger days I thought it was the shit! Having the Dark Knight hit the big screen was a wet fantasy of mine come true!

3. Iron Man 1 and 2

Being released in an age where Iron Man can be brought to life with the best Animitronicallyorgasmic known technology to date made this movie. If this was released in the earlier days we would have had Robocop on fishing lines with the actor being Tourette’s kung fu master Steven Segal or Jean Claude God-damn! Thank god that never happened.

4. Superman.

I can't rule out the Man of Steel. He was a powerful figure in my life. The comics I read of him must have numbered in the hundreds and what kid never fantasized about being him?! Even to this day I'm trying to figure out how he turned back time to save Lois Lane. Can someone please give me the mathematical theory behind spinning the world round and round and what if he had spun it clock wise as opposed to counter-clockwise???

5. Flash

I'm almost ashamed to say it only because I know now how terrible the film actually was but as a kid you don't critique story lines or cinematography. The graphics back then looked so real and the Flash was so cut I started sticking plasters on my TV screen. I loved the Flash comics growing up and when the first movie came out I watched it over and over again.

Top 5 - Comic Book Movies

I saw the promo for the new Green Lantern movie yesterday. Now I like Ryan Reynolds because he reminds me of me and is on my ‘Top Five I’d Go Gay For’ list but the movie looks very gay and not in a good way. Which is a shame because comics are awesome and thus by proxy, so should movies about comics, right?

Sadly, no. There’s been a real big push on comics being made into movies – there’s about a dozen out on release now - because as far as the companies that make movies are concerned most of the job is done; the characters, their background, the script and the fan base is already there. So it’s a license for them to print money really.

Until they get it wrong and then they piss off fan boys like me, especially when they take artistic license with the stories and just fuck it up for everybody. You wonder how they get it so spectacularly wrong sometimes but more often than not, they do.

Stan Lee is the man behind most of Marvels characters and if I was him I’d be telling these guys to sort it out. “It’s my arse” I’d say to them, “So pull your finger out!”

Still, this is worthy of a Top 5 so break out the moisturiser and tissues lads because here we go. In no particular order other than the first being top...

1. Batman Begins / Dark Knight

I’m cheating by putting these two together but they are equally as good (although the DK is probably my fave of the two). Tim Burton started the Batman franchise and he along with Michael Keaton made a pretty good fist of it until they gave up and other directors just fisted the franchise. Thankfully Chris Nolan and Christian Bale hadn’t given up on him and made these two flicks which reminded us all that Batman is a dark character with equally dark motives and in doing so made an adult movie for adults, the way it should be.

2. Iron Man

I was never an Iron Man fan but Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jnr captured the essence of a good comic book movie in the first installment. It had the back story, the drama and the humour and of course, Gwyneth Paltrow. As good as it was though - and I really did enjoy it - I haven’t seen the second one yet because I really don’t want to find its complete cake after this fantastic effort.

3. Blade Trilogy

Again, bit of a cheek me putting all three together but tough titties, it’s my Top 5. Before the kids these days were getting their hormones all in a tangle over the likes of Robert Pattison, there was the original black bad ass mofo, Wesley Snipes, playing the day walker Blade. And who just gets on with it basically; slicing and dicing his way through vamps without a pout, a tear, or love triangle in sight. Amen to that. Oh and Ryan Reynolds? He was in this too.

4. X-Men: Wolverine

I like the X-Men movies but again, liberties with the story telling get on my tits and these guys have taken some despite there being over 50 years of solid material to work with, the fuckers. So I’m going to go with the Wolverine one because it has Gambit in it and he’s my favorite mutant. It also has Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and that’s another reason I won’t be watching Green Lantern because there should be some rule about playing two super heroes i.e. you can’t, bitch.

Note: The guy who plays Cyclops in X-Men turned up as Lois Lanes boyfriend in the last Superman movie. Not cool.

5. Kick-Ass.

A film that captures the dream all us fan boys harbored, to be a real life super hero. If you haven’t seen this then you must, if only to meet the memorable Hit Girl, the eleven year old vigilante daughter of Big Daddy who delivers such classic lines as "Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now". Hey it’s okay to be turned on by someone that age if she’s a killer with a potty mouth right?

Honorable mentions:

• V for Vendetta (Natalie Portman. Say no more)


• Sin City (deadly little Miho)


• Watchmen (which was cool right up to the big blue schlong bit)


• Spiderman (can’t remember which though but probably the one where Kirsten Dunst has a wet top)


• The Punisher (the Tom Jane version, all the others blow).

Top 5: My Best Moments of 2010

So, hot on the heels of the Worst of 2010 is the Best, which proves, if anything, that I’m not just a negative bastard. Not all of the time anyway.

1. Spurs not only made the Champions League but have been doing the business ever since. Now they might not win it but for this particular fan of 25 years, football nirvana has already been reached...

2. My niece – the football prodigy herself – is now officially amongst the best dozen or so in her age group across all of Wellington. I'd like to think my coaching had something to do with it, but probably not.

3. I coached the best bunch of girls, ever, who reminded me just why it is I love coaching so much and revitalised my passion when it was at an all time low.

4. The only thing to feature in both lists – the ending of Lost. Not since the Matrix trilogy has a bit of moving picture moved me in the way the Lost TV series and ultimately, the ending did. Non believers will, of course, take the piss but I don’t give a flying fuck; this is my list, not yours. Oh and did I mention I love you Kate?

5. Weddings – particularly Emski & Melski’s (some of my best MC work) and Sully & Jess’s (some of my best groomsman work). I love a good wedding and this year I was lucky enough to be part of two great ones.

Maybe I should send Kate some pendants...?

Top 5: My Worst Moments of 2010

It’s that time of the year again when everybody who is anybody – or just a wanker with a blog – is making their ‘Best Of’ and ‘Worst Of’ list for the year just past.

Now I’ve said before just how much I loather a list maker, but then I went and made several of my own which is as funny as me pooh-poohing James Blunt when his new song came out a few weeks back now, only for me to not only have now bought it off iTunes, but have since learnt to play it on the guitar.

But then that’s just me – making statements I never keep.

So after some deep soul searching and a pretty decent trawl through the memory banks here is my list of disappointments this past year. Pack a lunch because shit is about to get deep.

1. I got Swine Flu and it nearly killed me. That pretty much sucked.

2. All the football teams I’ve coached this year have lost more games than they’ve won. But from those teams came more rep trialists and players than any other one team in each grade, so I must be doing something right.

3. That last one is not a disappointment; it’s me turning a frown upside down.

4. Lost, the TV show, finished in an ending that was emotional on two levels; it ended six years worth of wtf moments with a big tear jerker and sadly heralded the last time we've seen Kate (Evangeline Lilly) on TV other than in those 'Because you're worth it' ads. I love you Kate.

5. Natalie Portman is pregnant and unless she found a use for all the pendants of mans milk I’ve been sending her then I suspect that sadly, it’s not mine.

So stay tuned for the Best Of which like the above is totally subjective and complete arse to anyone but the writer, but hey, it’s not like you’ve got anything better to do right?

What has she done with all my pendants I wonder...?

Top 5: Guys I'd Go Gay For

Whilst having the time of my life with my girls last weekend, we got to talking. About many things, but mostly boys, which was cool by me because for about 16 years of my life I was actually one.

Okay, 18 if you count full pubes but hey, let’s not stress about the finer details. Naturally I was able to offer the girls many an insight to the pubescent mind, possibly because I still have one and at some point I declared that ‘I would go gay’ for a certain fella which set them right off.

Naturally I had to explain myself and reveal my full list of man love. So here it is. Fellas, find yourself a nice quiet spot, borrow the moisturiser from the missus and keep the tissues handy because you’re going to need them...

Fernando Torres

What a guy, what a footballer. He’s a bit cake right now but on his day he has a first touch that makes me feel like a little girl, he really does. Admittedly Lionel Messi is a better player but he’s an ugly man whereas Fernando has it going on; the freckles, the legs and the casual elegance of a cheetah. Personally I liked his hair longer, would give a fella something to hang on to...

Bear Grylls

Any man who can give himself a dirty water enema can hide my soap on a rope any time he damn well wishes.

Alexander Skarsgaard

The coolest vampire on the block and the best damn Sergeant since Zeke Anderson, Alex is the most exciting Swedish thing we want to be inside since the Volvo. Just look at that torso, somebody get the guy a plaster because he’s cut and get this; the guy doesn’t wear a modesty sock when filming nude scenes. Fuck. Yeah.

David Beckham

I’ve never made it a secret that Becks can bend me any way he likes. I even copied his hairstyle once, possibly twice.

Ryan Reynolds

Is as close to me as it’s gonna get ladies; we’re both ridiculously funny, have great abs and wear a beard well, damn well. So who else would I want to have a tender homosexual experience with than the guy who reminds me of myself?

Kickin' It With My Girls

Just when I thought that memorable weekends were a thing of the past I have two of my Top Five, ever, in the one year.

First was Melski’s and Emski’s wedding in May. Second was just this weekend past and our taking my girls football team to the world famous in NZ McCartney tournament in Taupo.

Now I’ve coached a lot of football, seven years worth to be exact, but I’ve never had a team that has left me with such a sense of reward as my girls have this season. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys too, not in an NAMBLA way mind you, but girl’s football is different to that of the boys.

Oh and I recommend you don’t Google that particular acronym unless you really want to see the Department of Internal affairs confiscate your hard drive in a 6am dawn raid.

Girls approach the game differently. They play in the true spirit of the game where with the boys stuff gets real serious real fucken quick and pretty soon no one is really enjoying themselves. Unless you’re winning, then that’s pretty cool.

My girls still have that same desire to win but they go about it differently. They look at the game holistically and understand that to win they all need to play well as a team. Boys will always try and do it alone. Always.

My girls also soak stuff up like a sponge. If I teach one of them a turn I know I’ll see it executed the very next game, do the same with my boys and I’ll be waiting weeks before they decide that they’ll give it a go.

And I had forgotten how much fun girls in a group are, particularly between the ages of 11 and 14 like mine are. Needless to say once someone mentioned that they’d be carrying my balls on the road trip up it became the running joke that I could never quite live down. And here was I thinking I had heard every in-your-end-o comment that could be made regarding balls in a bag...

On the field they did me proud, off it they were just as impressive. Not that they were the only ones; an early highlight of the weekend was a group of older girls calling out to me “nice boots”. Oh yes. You know you’ve made good in the footballing world when shit hot female footballers dig your F30’s..

There is one added advantage of having 11 & 12 year old girls in the car; they don’t mind the songs you have on your iPod that you chose in the hope it would somehow help you regain your youth, because they sing along to Lady Gaga and Ke$ha just as loud as you do. The Jonas Brothers track did raise an eyebrow though, admittedly.

So girls, heaven forbid none of you ever read this because this blog is filthy and clearly written by someone very immature, but if you are or do, you should know that you rocked my world this weekend.

I hereby adopt you all as my own.

Our Top 5; Gingas

Australia’s got a new back stabber – I mean Prime Minister – and she’s a raging ginga, or ranga, as she would be called in her native land.

It must be an empty feeling surely, being a Prime Minister that no one actually elected. It’s a bit like winning the meat pack but only after the original winner wasn’t there to claim the prize when their name was drawn. Julia Gillard will relate to that I’m sure because one look at her and you can tell she’s mutton...

Ranga is short for ‘orangatan’ which is slightly more offensive than calling someone a ginga I would’ve thought, but there you go. I didn’t know what it was short for until I looked it up on the urban dictionary:

Derived from Orangutan or from the Latin “Orange Utan” meaning red pubic hair, commonly known as Fanta pants. This creature is well known for its fiery temper and pale skin; hence its ability to spend long periods of time in the sun is limited. The female of the spices is renowned for being good in bed, combining its natural aggression with its lack of appreciation for its looks.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a ginga. Just ask my mate Bruiser who loves a bit of fire crotch. He also loves a bit of Asian so it’s fair to say his dream girl is a red headed Asian which would be one hell of a magical mix, a bit like a black stripper with blue eyes.

Anyhoo, watching Gillard on the telly the overnight got us to thinking about our top five redheads right now. Not of all time mind you, because that would require some hard out thinking back to big wank’s of days gone by, so we’ve gone with the hair(red)and now.

1. Hayley Williams

Now there may be some doubt as to whether or not this orange dyed cutie and lead singer of Paramore, is a natural ginga but we’ve seen her fruit jubes, thanks to a topless pic she accidentally tweeted a few weeks back and they’re definitely the numnums of a redhead.

2. Samantha Hayes

Still the sexiest news girl around.

3. Deborah Ann Woll

Anna Paquin may have been the main attraction for the first season and a half of True Blood, but baby vamp Jessica is the hottest girl on the Bon Temps block these days. In a sexy ‘the girl next door will drain your blood’ kind of way. More on all things vampire in an uncoming blog...

4. Li-Lo

Yes, we know that she’s a train wreck, soon to be in jail and that her hair is currently some shade of peroxide, but Li-Lo’s carpet does not match the curtains and deep down she is a bonafide ginga. She’s also prone to random acts of, well, randomness, like shagging some guy in the toilets whilst at rehab. Kinky bitch.

5. Rhys Darby

Yes, we know, he’s a fella. But he’s still a fucken funny fella so that will make for a highly amusing homosexual experience. As opposed to the otherwise disturbing Gaylord experiences you’ve had to date.