Top 5 - Comic Book Movies

I saw the promo for the new Green Lantern movie yesterday. Now I like Ryan Reynolds because he reminds me of me and is on my ‘Top Five I’d Go Gay For’ list but the movie looks very gay and not in a good way. Which is a shame because comics are awesome and thus by proxy, so should movies about comics, right?

Sadly, no. There’s been a real big push on comics being made into movies – there’s about a dozen out on release now - because as far as the companies that make movies are concerned most of the job is done; the characters, their background, the script and the fan base is already there. So it’s a license for them to print money really.

Until they get it wrong and then they piss off fan boys like me, especially when they take artistic license with the stories and just fuck it up for everybody. You wonder how they get it so spectacularly wrong sometimes but more often than not, they do.

Stan Lee is the man behind most of Marvels characters and if I was him I’d be telling these guys to sort it out. “It’s my arse” I’d say to them, “So pull your finger out!”

Still, this is worthy of a Top 5 so break out the moisturiser and tissues lads because here we go. In no particular order other than the first being top...

1. Batman Begins / Dark Knight

I’m cheating by putting these two together but they are equally as good (although the DK is probably my fave of the two). Tim Burton started the Batman franchise and he along with Michael Keaton made a pretty good fist of it until they gave up and other directors just fisted the franchise. Thankfully Chris Nolan and Christian Bale hadn’t given up on him and made these two flicks which reminded us all that Batman is a dark character with equally dark motives and in doing so made an adult movie for adults, the way it should be.

2. Iron Man

I was never an Iron Man fan but Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jnr captured the essence of a good comic book movie in the first installment. It had the back story, the drama and the humour and of course, Gwyneth Paltrow. As good as it was though - and I really did enjoy it - I haven’t seen the second one yet because I really don’t want to find its complete cake after this fantastic effort.

3. Blade Trilogy

Again, bit of a cheek me putting all three together but tough titties, it’s my Top 5. Before the kids these days were getting their hormones all in a tangle over the likes of Robert Pattison, there was the original black bad ass mofo, Wesley Snipes, playing the day walker Blade. And who just gets on with it basically; slicing and dicing his way through vamps without a pout, a tear, or love triangle in sight. Amen to that. Oh and Ryan Reynolds? He was in this too.

4. X-Men: Wolverine

I like the X-Men movies but again, liberties with the story telling get on my tits and these guys have taken some despite there being over 50 years of solid material to work with, the fuckers. So I’m going to go with the Wolverine one because it has Gambit in it and he’s my favorite mutant. It also has Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and that’s another reason I won’t be watching Green Lantern because there should be some rule about playing two super heroes i.e. you can’t, bitch.

Note: The guy who plays Cyclops in X-Men turned up as Lois Lanes boyfriend in the last Superman movie. Not cool.

5. Kick-Ass.

A film that captures the dream all us fan boys harbored, to be a real life super hero. If you haven’t seen this then you must, if only to meet the memorable Hit Girl, the eleven year old vigilante daughter of Big Daddy who delivers such classic lines as "Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now". Hey it’s okay to be turned on by someone that age if she’s a killer with a potty mouth right?

Honorable mentions:

• V for Vendetta (Natalie Portman. Say no more)


• Sin City (deadly little Miho)


• Watchmen (which was cool right up to the big blue schlong bit)


• Spiderman (can’t remember which though but probably the one where Kirsten Dunst has a wet top)


• The Punisher (the Tom Jane version, all the others blow).