Top 5 - Comic Book Movies

I saw the promo for the new Green Lantern movie yesterday. Now I like Ryan Reynolds because he reminds me of me and is on my ‘Top Five I’d Go Gay For’ list but the movie looks very gay and not in a good way. Which is a shame because comics are awesome and thus by proxy, so should movies about comics, right?

Sadly, no. There’s been a real big push on comics being made into movies – there’s about a dozen out on release now - because as far as the companies that make movies are concerned most of the job is done; the characters, their background, the script and the fan base is already there. So it’s a license for them to print money really.

Until they get it wrong and then they piss off fan boys like me, especially when they take artistic license with the stories and just fuck it up for everybody. You wonder how they get it so spectacularly wrong sometimes but more often than not, they do.

Stan Lee is the man behind most of Marvels characters and if I was him I’d be telling these guys to sort it out. “It’s my arse” I’d say to them, “So pull your finger out!”

Still, this is worthy of a Top 5 so break out the moisturiser and tissues lads because here we go. In no particular order other than the first being top...

1. Batman Begins / Dark Knight

I’m cheating by putting these two together but they are equally as good (although the DK is probably my fave of the two). Tim Burton started the Batman franchise and he along with Michael Keaton made a pretty good fist of it until they gave up and other directors just fisted the franchise. Thankfully Chris Nolan and Christian Bale hadn’t given up on him and made these two flicks which reminded us all that Batman is a dark character with equally dark motives and in doing so made an adult movie for adults, the way it should be.

2. Iron Man

I was never an Iron Man fan but Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jnr captured the essence of a good comic book movie in the first installment. It had the back story, the drama and the humour and of course, Gwyneth Paltrow. As good as it was though - and I really did enjoy it - I haven’t seen the second one yet because I really don’t want to find its complete cake after this fantastic effort.

3. Blade Trilogy

Again, bit of a cheek me putting all three together but tough titties, it’s my Top 5. Before the kids these days were getting their hormones all in a tangle over the likes of Robert Pattison, there was the original black bad ass mofo, Wesley Snipes, playing the day walker Blade. And who just gets on with it basically; slicing and dicing his way through vamps without a pout, a tear, or love triangle in sight. Amen to that. Oh and Ryan Reynolds? He was in this too.

4. X-Men: Wolverine

I like the X-Men movies but again, liberties with the story telling get on my tits and these guys have taken some despite there being over 50 years of solid material to work with, the fuckers. So I’m going to go with the Wolverine one because it has Gambit in it and he’s my favorite mutant. It also has Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and that’s another reason I won’t be watching Green Lantern because there should be some rule about playing two super heroes i.e. you can’t, bitch.

Note: The guy who plays Cyclops in X-Men turned up as Lois Lanes boyfriend in the last Superman movie. Not cool.

5. Kick-Ass.

A film that captures the dream all us fan boys harbored, to be a real life super hero. If you haven’t seen this then you must, if only to meet the memorable Hit Girl, the eleven year old vigilante daughter of Big Daddy who delivers such classic lines as "Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now". Hey it’s okay to be turned on by someone that age if she’s a killer with a potty mouth right?

Honorable mentions:

• V for Vendetta (Natalie Portman. Say no more)


• Sin City (deadly little Miho)


• Watchmen (which was cool right up to the big blue schlong bit)


• Spiderman (can’t remember which though but probably the one where Kirsten Dunst has a wet top)


• The Punisher (the Tom Jane version, all the others blow).

Turn That Frown Upside Down..

Sad sad news this week that Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are to divorce after only two years of marriage.

Normally I wouldn’t give a shit about this kind of thing but I can’t help but perhaps I had something to do with it. After all, I did rate Ryan on this little list of mine and how could any marriage compete with that kind of pressure.

Oh sure, Scarlett is a good looking bird and a talented actress too; but I ain’t putting her in a Top 5 anytime soon so maybe, just maybe, that got to her.

So if you need a gaff to doss down in Ryan, then our spare room is free brother. We can spend our nights crying, comforting each other, comparing our abs and manicuring each other’s man beards. Oh and in the morning, I’m making waffles.

And that, is how we turn a frown upside down.

Top 5: Guys I'd Go Gay For

Whilst having the time of my life with my girls last weekend, we got to talking. About many things, but mostly boys, which was cool by me because for about 16 years of my life I was actually one.

Okay, 18 if you count full pubes but hey, let’s not stress about the finer details. Naturally I was able to offer the girls many an insight to the pubescent mind, possibly because I still have one and at some point I declared that ‘I would go gay’ for a certain fella which set them right off.

Naturally I had to explain myself and reveal my full list of man love. So here it is. Fellas, find yourself a nice quiet spot, borrow the moisturiser from the missus and keep the tissues handy because you’re going to need them...

Fernando Torres

What a guy, what a footballer. He’s a bit cake right now but on his day he has a first touch that makes me feel like a little girl, he really does. Admittedly Lionel Messi is a better player but he’s an ugly man whereas Fernando has it going on; the freckles, the legs and the casual elegance of a cheetah. Personally I liked his hair longer, would give a fella something to hang on to...

Bear Grylls

Any man who can give himself a dirty water enema can hide my soap on a rope any time he damn well wishes.

Alexander Skarsgaard

The coolest vampire on the block and the best damn Sergeant since Zeke Anderson, Alex is the most exciting Swedish thing we want to be inside since the Volvo. Just look at that torso, somebody get the guy a plaster because he’s cut and get this; the guy doesn’t wear a modesty sock when filming nude scenes. Fuck. Yeah.

David Beckham

I’ve never made it a secret that Becks can bend me any way he likes. I even copied his hairstyle once, possibly twice.

Ryan Reynolds

Is as close to me as it’s gonna get ladies; we’re both ridiculously funny, have great abs and wear a beard well, damn well. So who else would I want to have a tender homosexual experience with than the guy who reminds me of myself?