Heated Toilet Seats & Adult Air Castles

Sometimes I have so many good ideas I just don't know what to do with them all.

Like toilet seats, or more specifically, cold ones. Nobody likes a chilly ring, especially in winter when chances are the moment your butt-tocks hit that cold plastic your anus is going to pucker so tightly you'll be in there for a week doing whatever it was you went in there to do. It's worse if you're a guy and you misjudge the approach and its the 'ol undercarriage that kisses the seat first, because those plums of yours will disappear northwards quicker than you can gasp "shit that's cold".

But what if seats were warm? And by that I don't mean warm as in you've just walked into the men's at work only to find that both cubicles stink, both s-bends resemble Grandads old undies and the water is still moving warm. No, what if toilet seats were heated?

Not with electricity mind you. There are many things I have contemplated doing with my junk but subjecting it to anything with an electrical current running through it, especially whilst sitting above water, is not one of them.

But what if - and brace yourself for this mindbomb - what if inside the cistern there was a little turbine that spun every time the thing was emptied and filled, which in turn would power battery cells in the seat that heated with every flush?! Boom! Instant heat. And all with the added bonus of not having to rely on the Unix guys down the hall having had a curry for tea the night before.

And how about air castles? Every one loves an air castle, even we adults, but I'm yet to find a gyppo at a fun fair that lets we adults mix it with the kids. So I propose an alternative that is like an air castle in every which way, only with a few added features; dildos, buttplugs and fake titties stuck to the floor and walls of the thing.

Imagine how much fun that bad boy is going to be after a barbie with your mates! You can strip down, oil that sucker (or each other) up and bounce around till someone needs to be taken to the A & E department. If you used it frequently enough it would be like one of those non stick pans - you'd only ever need to lube it up every now and then. Party Hire places are going to be the first to line up and buy my adult air castles which are coming to a swingers party near you!

The guy who decided to bottle water had a good idea. Its since turned out to be a damn inconsiderate idea given the state of the world today and the inevitable harm all those discarded bottles have cause. But in little old Bundadoon, Australia, the residents last week voted to ban bottled water form their village as a means to reducing their carbon footprint.

I love this story. Its a perfect example of people power and its worked because the New South Wales Government promptly banned the buying in of bottled water by all its departments. Out of the 400 good folk who turned up to vote on the decision in Bundadoon, only two hearty souls were against the move. They haven't been seen since.

Water is one of those things that used to be free. There are people in this world who have to walk tens of miles to get muddy water from a hole and who would love to have the access to tap water that we do. Yet what is it we choose to do with our tap water? We wash our balls with it, that's what and buy bottled water to drink. Those same folk - the ones who drink muddy water - they'd be even prepared to drink our dirty ball water, if only it came out of a tap.

You know what else used to be free? Ring tones. The phone used to ring for free. Now we pay for ring tones that we get real embarrassed about when the phone goes off in a crowded area. Not me. I've got a cool song from The Matrix movie on mine and when that fucker rings I let it go all the way to voicemail just to hear it.

But you know where this is going to lead, soon the phone companies will buy the ring tone companies and sell phones with no ring tones and you won't know if your phone has rung or not. Until you buy a ring tone. My answer to that? Record your own ring tone. Sing and record your favourite song on your phone and set it as ring tone. Boom! Mindbomb.

Now if I see heated toilet seats down at Mitre 10 or the neighbours impaling themselves on an air castle I'll know who sold them the concept, so don't go getting any bright ideas...