One of our best girls left the Club this week and it’s fair to say shit got emotional.
Amz was the classic bar maid type – not that we ever subjected her to such a restricting role here – she always let you think you were in with a chance but yet you never really were. She was a girl of many talents and quite the back story, some of which can finally be told today.
Not many people know the girl we know as Amy Diggins Buckley was born on a remote island known as Amazonia, the same place Wonder Woman and all the Tui girls came from. Her birth name is actually Ambrosia but she would change it later in life as we shall see.
Contrary to common belief she is actually of angelic descent and her mother, Aphrodite, has an interesting story to tell; According to the Greek poet Hesiod, she was born when Ouranos was castrated by his son Cronus. Cronus threw his severed genitals into the sea (as you do) and from the aphros (sea foam) arose Aphrodite. So there you go - those kooky Greeks aye?
Amy's early childhood was studying air hostesstry, for which she has always been pretty enough to be one. During lessons she would often day dream of being a lion, a tiger or a princess. Eventually she grew bored with the prospect of wearing a matching tunic, skirt and scarf every day and she decided against entering the profession and concentrated instead on being the most beautiful girl in the room, a talent she still bears today.
Coincidentally all the women of Amazonia are born with one fault, for if they weren't they would be perfect. Amy's is messy eating, another talent she still bears today.
Disillusioned with island life she soon left Amazonia on the back of dolphins and eventually set foot upon the beach at Napier in an event that is still remembered by the locals to this very day. They even cast a bronze statue of her to celebrate the occasion but mistook her native Amazonian dialect and thought she said her name was 'Pania'...
She was taken in by the Buckleys of Napier.The head of the household, Keef, was a simple man but he knew what love was and he loved the young Amy as his own. Later the family would relocate to Wellington after Keef heard the news that Elton John was due to play at the Stadium.
There she enrolled at Chilton St James, a private girls school in Lower Hutt. Despite its excellent academic record - Chilton is regularly placed in the top 2% for national examinations - it was a step down for our Amz as Chilton was only ranked second on the 'The Sexiest School Girls Come From' list maintained by all the college boys of the Hutt Valley*.
After graduating from Chilton, Amz wandered about in life just like a Taylor Swift song before chancing upon life here at ClubDes where she has been ever since. It was Mr ClubDes who first spotted her and thought she pretty enough to be a waitress. Needless to say he promptly offered her a job on the spot and thus he took her under his wing. The young Amz adored him and his cool style and he her.
But like any good relationship between an artist and his muse there were volatile times and often the two could be heard arguing over whether or not Lost was still worth watching. It was then and still is to this day – but only if you’ve kept watching it.
Some would say that it was written in the stars that the girl formerly known as Ambrosia from Amazon would go on to great things and so she did, becoming someone reasonably important here at the Club not long after starting. Such is life when you look like our Amz.
But all good fairy tales must come to an end and so thus ends ours. Amz is leaving the hallowed hallways of ClubDes to see the world but we’re pretty confident she’ll be back. One day.
* The actual rankings of Hutt schoolgirls according to we boys in 1993 / 1994 were:
1. St Orans
2. Chilton St James
3. Sacred Heart
4. Slut Valley High
I once went out with a St Orans girl but things went downhill around the time she started accused me of stalking her. Hey – she invited me to watch her netball games; how is that ‘stalking’?!
I should’ve gone out with a Chilton girl….
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