The first was about some bird having to make a restaurant in the tree tops. The actress - yes that's right, she was an actress - made it on to our trampoline one week on account of her tightey whitey effort in the first ad. Ridiculous concept that but they knew you just can't beat a girl in a tightey whitey and the reason is simple; because we boys will try our darnedest to spot some Bruce Lee's (hard nips) each and every time. Tea in a tree? No thanks but if you're selling puppies I'll take the two with pink noses.
In the latest incarnation, some actor - yes that's right, he's an actor - is trying to discover what the taste of 'yellow' is and make a chocolate bar out of it. What is it with the fat bastards over at Yellow Pages and food do you think? First a restaurant and now choccies. Personally I think they should dunk a copy of the Yellow Pages in chocolate and make him eat it, now that would make for some interesting telly.
Do you want to know what my take on what yellow tastes like is? Well, first thing every morning, thanks to my my gnarly lungs, I cough up a ball of phlegm so thick you could plaster your walls with it and guess what colour it is? That's right. Try wrapping that in chocolate, you tit. Actually it'll be easy cause it's so gelatinous it usually sticks to anything.
Is there anything you can't yet do in a video game? The latest in the now long and boring 'Rockstar' series of games is 'DJ Star' where you, the budding DJ, spin a turntable shaped controller. Now all you need to do is get your mates round and have one turn the lights on and off, one flick water from a bottle all over the place and one constantly yell at you 'play the Macarena, play the fuckin Macarena', then you'll have yourself a rad rave. For the full affect you can get a whole bunch of chicks who spend their day clothes shopping at Supre to come round too, get pissed and chunder everywhere.
I've seen a lot of people play the Rockstar games and I'm yet to see any of them look half as cool as they think they do. Its Simon Says on a guitar is what it is and having Metallica playing along with it doesn't make it any cooler. I can't help but think that if only the millions of kids tuning it and coping out on their consoles actually learnt to play a real instrument instead then the chances of the series getting to 'DJ Star' would have been greatly reduced.
But I suppose can't really blame the makers of such a game for cashing in on what kids have always loved to do; play air guitar with a tennis racket, cricket bat or for those just-got-out-of-the-bath moments, their diddle.
First person shooters are stuffing it up for everybody too, not because they glorify violence because lets be honest, what doesn't do that these days? No games like HALO do absolutely nothing in preparing the youth of today for the apocalypse that humanity will soon force upon itself as a result of too many first person shooting games. The highlight of the game, as my homeboys Lillian and BigGayRay tell me, is to teabag your opponent when he's down for the count. Shit in my mouth. Teabagging a dead man?
We didn't survive three consecutive tours of Vietnam by slapping our gnads on the foreheads of deceased VC. Charlie was into some kinky shit but that wasn't one of them. Gloryholes in the showers, yes, Earl Graying dead guys, no. Have you actually ever tried teabagging anything? It's not easy (so I'm told) so how the youth of today plan to do that when locked, loaded and all the safeties are off is beyond me. You pull out those bad boys on the battlefield and somebody is going to put their weapon up your arse and pull the trigger till it goes 'click'. Maybe someone will make a game of that someday?
Kids huh? Why not smack one over the back of the head with the Yellow Pages next time you come across one playing Rockstar or HALO, it'll do them good.
No one ever got teabagged playing Simon Says
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