Asphyxiating Yourself Whilst Performing a Solo Sex Act?!

Whenever I find myself wondering just when the dumbing down of society began, I need only turn on the TV, open a magazine or click on a web page around movie award season as a reminder.

I’ve said it once but I’ll say it again – it’s a sad day when celebrity is the lead news story in an intelligent world. And not just news, but worshipped by people who put far too much time into watching movies when they could be out doing something decent for society and not just lining the pockets of companies that have far too much anyway.

Just like Facebook really. Imagine if everyone who ever joined some ridiculous virtual group or cause i.e. I’m a fan of breathing, went out and actually joined a real group of some substance. Maybe, just maybe, the world would be a little better for it.

Then there are the dresses. Oh how we get moist over who wears what at these things and just who designed the thing which probably costs more to buy than my car. Not to mention the speeches. How anyone listening to one actually lives to tell the tale is beyond me; they’re so full of heartfelt emotion and honest bullshit like just how important this role in this movie was. Why even at this very moment I feel myself imploding at the sheer magnitude of it all.

But there is just one thing that these tits seem to forget; it was someone else’s words they spoke, after being given direction on how to deliver them so forget the wanky rhetoric and just get on with what you’re good at – reading someone else’s genius.

I hope they all asphyxiate themselves whilst performing a solo sex act. Now that would be newsworthy, although quite what a ‘solo sex act’ is I am not entirely sure, I thought just using the word ‘sex’ meant that there was more than one person involved? Anything else is just a wank isn’t it....?

It may come as some surprise to you but I’ve done a course in wanking. It’s called ‘puberty’ and most men my age passed it with flying colours but guess what – no one gave us a fucken award ceremony for it.

Quite the opposite; society shuns a good jimmy which is why I think celebrities feel they have to kink it up, just to make like playing with yourself is that much more pleasurable when you’re famous.

Now we’ve all done some freaky naughty things in the search of an epic wank, whether it is the hollowed out apple, the flatmates undies or the glory hole in the empty box, we’ve all been there. But none are in quite the same league are they, as wrapping a belt around your neck and hooking yourself from a height, trying to pass out through self strangulation.

The only time I ever got close to injury whilst treating my body like an amusement arcade was the time I tried sticking it in an old glass milk bottle full of tepid water. Luckily I got cold feet and extracted myself moments before the suction caused by a tidal body of water in a closed neck vessel caused a suction incident that I would have struggled to credibly explain as an accident at the A & E.

I wonder if there’s a Facebook group called “I’m a fan of asphyxiating myself whilst performing a solo sex act”?

Might see you there...