A Real Tale Of Epic Survival

54 days rowing in a seven metre boat, by yourself, across the Tasman Sea? Luxury.

It’s not like this geezer spent 21 days and nights floating down the Mekong Delta on the door from a burnt out Huey, as I did back in 1968.

Not by choice mind you but my god you didn’t hear me crying about it every time that door rolled over and dunked me in the water. It’s a little known fact that the sobs from a well endowed Caucasian man can travel two miles on a clear night. I knew it and what’s more Charlie knew it, so I did my crying on the inside.

After each dip in the Delta I had to reapply the layer of mud and excrement I had smeared on myself to camouflage myself at night. Did I make a video diary of the whole sorry occasion? No I did not. I was far too busy surviving. Sleeping with all three eyes open and the safeties off.

As for a water purifier mine was my bladder; I didn’t have any water to drink other than the thick brown stuff I was floating on, so it was that or my own urine. At least I knew where that had been. The only food I had to eat were the leeches that dined on my permanently submerged nether regions and the odd predatory bird that mistook me for a dead thing.

And oars? I dreamed of oars. All I had was the butt of the captured AK47 that I liberated from Charlie when he came looking for survivors after nailing our bird with a SAM. When I had finished with him and his platoon all I had was three rounds, the truth and the muffled sounds of a Chinese takeaway in the bushes about half a click behind me. Needless to say I got the fuck out of Dodge right there and then.

So my decision to hit the water was through necessity, not some lame publicity attempt sponsored by a watch maker and an internet provider. When I did finally make it back to the fire base no one met me on the beach with a warm bacon and egg sandwich – quite the opposite. I was mistaken for an insurgent and mortared right up till I was close enough for them to make me out as some skinny white guy covered in shit.

Now that is an epic tale of survival. But I can’t really say much more – it’s still classified.

I was in remarkably good shape when I finally came ashore...